We met two weeks ago and he asked me out. I’m 23 and he’s 24. I can see myself falling in love with him. I know its a short period of time, but i can be myself with him and he makes me so happy. I want to be married and pregnant by age 25, and I can see that with him. He says he loves me, and today for the first time told me he was ‘in love’ with me. I just don’t know if he really means any of this, or if hes just trying to get in my pants. Also, I don’t have a good history of relationships because I tend to go for guys who just want sex. He seems good for me, however, but I am still scared of trusting him too much, even though i do, and getting hurt. What should I do? Thanks, Kelly
Kelly,
I understand your concerns. I receive many similar questions from other women each week.
Instead of worrying about if he’s the right person to help fulfill your marriage and child agenda, if he loves you, or if he just wants sex, I suggest to just relax and enjoy dating and getting to know each other. Then, if things go well, you can decide if he’s someone with whom you want to get more serious. You really don’t know him yet so it’s too early to make plans for the future.
As far as getting hurt goes, this can happen when you wrongly assume he has the same relationship goals as you, or if you use sex as a bargaining chip. Instead, since women generally tend to enjoy sex as much as men, how about having sex (safely, of course) if you are attracted to a guy, you feel ready, and he has shown he respects and likes you, without the expectation that he go along with your long-term love life plans?
In contrast, men have concerns in these situations too. Here’s a version of a common question I get from them:
“Is she really attracted to me and interested in having sex with me or is she just trying to trap me into a traditional marriage, strict, life-long monogamy, then divorce me when she realizes she can’t train me like a pet to do her bidding, force me to pay child support for a child she secretly planned and I didn’t, and pay her alimony (ordered by a court that favors women in divorce) while she hunts for some other meal ticket?”
Which is worse, a man seeking a stimulating connection, treating her nicely, giving her pleasure, then realizing their connection isn’t strong enough for longer term and moving on, leaving her disappointed, or, coaxing or strong-arming a man into marriage, creating a miserable life together, then realizing he’s not what she wants and taking half his assets in a divorce?
Obviously, there are a lot of flaws with the current model of dating, relationships, and marriage.
Sure, rushing into a marriage and having kids and, or doing so at a young age is sometimes just as much of a goal for men as women. It may work out really well for both partners, but more often it doesn’t. The younger or faster you enter such an arrangement, especially if it’s based on secret agendas and romantic fantasies rather than true compatibility and mutual goals, the more likely it will end in disaster.
You can avoid many of the typical love life complications by detaching from your love life goals and focusing on your connection with each possible love interest. Notice how you feel in their presence, and also the energy or feeling he or she gives off. Pay attention to their actions, body language, and feeling behind their words. Also, are you two really compatible beyond a few common interests? Do your priorities in life match? If you don’t know, take no action until you do. Don’t rush into anything. If you step back and pay attention, the true person, what is meant to be between you two, and if it’s in your best interest, will be revealed.
Copyright © 2012 Stephen Petullo
